Are You Okay?

A few months ago, my uncle ended his own life by running in front of a semi truck.

It was a devastating tragedy and a shock to our family. We knew he was battling depression, but we didn’t know how bad it really was.

Tonight while BJ and I drove down busy narrow street close to home BJ had to swerve a hair as he was surprised to see a young man dressed in dark clothes walking on the soft shoulder of the road with no sidewalk.

BJ acknowledged the young man looked like a kid and was lucky he didn’t get hit.

I instantly had a flashback of the news footage of where Devin’s car was found on the interstate and the semi truck that hit him. And I thought, “what if someone had stopped and asked if he was okay? Would he still be here?”

I kinda shook it off a little as we continued driving. Until I heard Devin’s command, “Go back and ask if he’s okay!”

We immediately turned around and went back where the boy had been. He had turned around and was walking the other direction now.

We stopped and asked if he was okay. He looked scared, cold and shaking a bit and he answered “No.”

I asked if he wanted a ride somewhere and he said, “no I don’t take rides with strangers” and I responded ”good for you!” I asked if I could call the police and have them come help him and he said “yes!” I asked if he had anyone to call and he said, “no, that’s why I’m running.”

As we waited outside the car for the police to arrive we were able to visit with him and he was more than willing to share why he was, in fact, running. He had been in a fight with a family member, he was scared he was hurt and upset. He began crying and I asked if I could give him a hug and he practically leapt into my arms.  

As he squeezed me and sobbed I poured all the love I possibly could on him in that brief embrace.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connection. Understanding. Love. Isn’t that what we’re all yearning for?

I can’t dwell on “what if” for Devin. That time has past.

But I can sure be on the lookout for the lost, the broken and the hurting that are seeking a warm smile and a soft embrace and someone to simply give a care and ask “Are you okay?”

I know for a fact that Devin helped that boy today. Who knows if anything bad might have happened to him... but I’m grateful to know we were in the right place at the right time and willing to be an instrument in God’s all-knowing and gracious hands, to offer love to a sweet boy who just needed a hug.

All my love ‘til next time,
💖Jessica

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Please comment below with your own insights and "ahas" from this entry. I'd love to hear your perspective. 

The Parable Of The Egg

I love to cook! Mostly because I love food. Food is amazing! 😍 I also love cooking because I crave the creation energy I feel while exploring flavors and making up recipes. It is so rewarding to feel the sense of accomplishment of creating a delicious meal, not to mention the validation that comes when everyone absolutely LOVES my edible creations. Which ALWAYS happens with 4 children under 8. HAHA! Can you taste the sour drips of sarcasm? 😂

Last Thanksgiving, I was in a very interesting place in my personal and family life transitions and just wanted to feel loved, comforted and important. Have you ever had moments where you just want someone to validate you, not that you 'need' it, but because we all like to have our ego stroked now and then?  I wanted to have one of those amazing validating experiences through cooking. Let me tell you, that is not even kind of what happened at Thanksgiving dinner.  

First of all, my time and energy was not in a place of creating a grand masterpiece. Secondly, money was extremely tight (code for, non-existent) so it's not like I had the money to buy a bunch of food anyway. Finally, I have a huge family so when Dad sent out a google sign up sheet and I procrastinated signing up so by the time I got to the list, all the 'fancy' stuff was taken. 

Now let me ask you this- have you ever mastered a recipe so simple, created it hundreds of times, knew it so well you could literally make in your sleep? But then one day, in our vast self-improvement, DIY, social media driven world, someone came along and gave a great idea, scientifically proven to create that simple recipe even better?? 

Who doesn't want better?! 

So, you file that idea away in your file cabinet of how to be even better at that simple recipe you've already mastered.  Then another oh so-wise-person shares their 'special secret ingredient' for that same simple (perfectly fine) recipe and promises 'out of this world' results. Well, gosh, of course you want to improve and be better than you were the last time you made that recipe.  So, naturally, you "pin" that idea to your idea board for future use. Soon you have so many ideas of how to improve that favorite simple recipe, you're sure to be the greatest hit next time you make it for everyone. Why wouldn't you, with your new massive arsenal of super-duper creativity?

That is exactly what came to mind when I saw what was left available for me on the Thanksgiving sign-up list, Deviled Eggs! I was actually kind of excited to make them. Deviled Eggs are a favorite at our house and I've made them since I was a kid. It's literally the easiest side dish to make and so delish, if you like eggs, which I do! They don't take long at all. I had plenty of time, didn't need much energy, and best of all, eggs are cheap! (especially the Costco ones from mom and dad's fridge!😅)

I was so excited! "I'm going to make the BEST deviled eggs EVER!" I thought. Everyone will be SO impressed and tell me how amazing I am for making SUCH wonderful deviled eggs. And that's exactly what happened... in my dreams. And then I woke up!

I will spare you all the dramatic details of the ridiculous process, but I'm sure you know what's coming... they were NOT the best deviled eggs ever. In fact, they were the worst I've ever made! Were they good? I suppose, yeah, they were.  Did they get eaten? Yes, they did. Were they jaw-dropping, 15 minutes of fame, blue ribbon quality? That's a big fat NOPE! Which, of course, is what I was going for.

The shells wouldn't come up and literally ripped apart the whites of EVERY egg, we're talking 2 dozen eggs. They were so ugly! I was so irritated that I decided to boil another dozen "my way" to see if I those one's would be any better. They actually were, somewhat. By this point it was all in my head, as if it wasn't before. As silly as it might sound, I started doubting my abilities to even boil eggs. So when I was making the creamed yoke filling, I was so afraid to screw up on deviled eggs, of all things, that I actually had my brother finish seasoning them. (then I could give him the credit if they were gross. 😬 That's what sisters are for, right?)

A visual representation of the sad torn up egg from the first batch 

on the left and the happy smooth egg from the 2nd batch on the right.

I was so frustrated with myself. The spiral of self-deprecation began. This is a SIMPLE recipe! Something I've made for years! WHAT HAPPENED?! What is wrong with me if I can't make simple deviled eggs?? It was supposed to be quick. It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be cheap. But I just ended up exhausting myself and mad about the whole experience. I am such a failure at life. Why do I even try?! 

Can you relate? 

Sure, this is a pretty dramatic account of the happenings of that day, but it is certainly a true story.

Over the course of the past 2 months I have had many thoughts on this experience. I want to share with you a few of my personal 'refleggtions' on the Deviled Eggs incident. (See what I did there? I'm all about puns! 😉 ) 

🥚One thought I've had is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking to better ourselves, our circumstances, and our skills by learning from the wisdom of others.  That's why we are on this Earth, to become the best version of ourselves that we possibly can. That being said, we are to become the best version of OURSELVES.

We are to find what works best in OUR stories. 

So, if you have already found a system that works for you to live a principle at it's fullest... then DO NOT give in to the tempting "secret ingredients" that promise perfection, or "out-of-this world" results or ANYTHING that seems too good to be true. Who you are is exactly who you were created to be.

🥚 When you know you are in a difficult storm and are seeking validation, be careful where you go seeking it. But don't be afraid to ask for what you require. What would have happened if I just went to someone in my amazing support system and just said, "hey, I'm really struggling right now, can you tell me what I'm doing right, what I'm doing well and maybe how pretty I am??" I would likely have felt better a whole lot quicker but without this 'eggcellent' object lesson. (I had to. #sorrynotsorry) 

Let me tell you something I've learned about validation over the past year:

NO ONE CAN VALIDATE YOU BUT YOU! 

No one. You can stone me for saying so, but not even God can give you the validation you seek, because you have to exercise your gift of agency to CHOOSE to accept the validation as truth for yourself, consequently, validating for yourself by accepting what has been said.

SO, there is nothing wrong with seeking healthy validation from a pool of loving and trusted souls in your support network. That is not vain, or conceited, it is necessary at times when our well of self-esteem has run dry and we don't know how or don't have the strength and capacity to refill it on our own. Let's not confuse self-esteem with self-worth. Self-worth does not change, only our perspective of our worth changes. 

🥚Experimenting and trying something new and exciting is awesome, within appropriate and safe boundaries, ya know, like without deadlines.  Could I have tried those different magical ideas on how to boil eggs at other times well before the time I chose to use them? Absolutely. Did I? No. What have we learned?

JUST BECAUSE WE CAN, DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD!

Placing something in our arsenal for the future doesn't automatically mean it is a good fit and when possible, it's highly advisable and recommended that the testing ground not also be the final performance. In other words, if there's something you are saving to learn to use perfectly "someday" when the time is "right", then you will be waiting a very long time and when you pull that untrained skill out of your box, it may end up blowing up in your face. Just the same as the case may be if I tried to compete on Cupcake wars today without any of the proper practicing or training to compete professionally, it would be a dessert-disaster. 

🥚Ultimately, what this 'eggacerbating' (Last one, I promise!) experience taught me is that it's okay to mess up. It's okay to fail. It's okay for things to fall apart. It's okay for things to break. It's okay to not pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time. And it's more than okay to say No when No is the best answer for you and your family. and it's ABSOLUTELY okay and necessary to acknowledge the reality of our human imperfection.

This is a beautiful music video about how we can be broken AND beautiful, 

through Christ's grace, by the amazing Calee Reed. 

At this point, you might be asking how I got all that from eggs? You see, even trivial trials bring a certain element of reflection and higher perspective in life, at least for me they do. I suppose that's one of the tender mercies of the trials of this life.

I mentioned previously that I was in a very interesting place in my life. In a nutshell, this past year I experienced some difficult storms and what some might deem "mid-life crisis" worthy scenarios. Wondering how I got to this point in my life? Evaluating each and every life experience. Trying to figure out who the heck I am and how much of my life was truly my own? When it came right down to it, I was so mad about the silly Deviled Egg incident because it felt like a reflection in the mirror of my life of what was happening inside of me. 

I had been introduced to so many different ideas, opportunities, and philosophies over the years that when it was time to take a step and make a crucial life decision, every suggestion or idea I had ever saved in my arsenal seemed to suddenly surface and cataclysmically implode! 

The Deviled Eggs really were fine, ugly and all. I mean, they're deviled eggs, let's keep things in perspective here. They were still delicious. I, however, was not fine. Not in my mind anyway. So, what do you do when you feel lost and don't know where to start? Well, in my case, I went back to 'the very beginning, a very good place to start', or so I'm told. ;) 

So, I went back to the bear ESSENTIALS of my life, 

of who I TRULY am and what my REAL priorities are. 

I know I am a daughter of a loving parents in Heaven and on Earth and am of INFINITE worth and importance. 

I know I have a Savior who atoned for me so that I could have the opportunity to prove that I would choose for myself to follow Him and His father while experiencing Earth life. 

I know that I have family that loves me immensely on both sides of the veil between Heaven and Earth and I am NEVER alone. 

I know that I am amazing at everything I choose to apply my special and unique gifts and talents to. 

I know that I am a wonderful wife and am treasured and adored by my absolute best friend and companion. We are perfect fit for each other, I treasure the gift he is to me in every way.

I know that I am a great mom! My children love me just as I am and want me around and that's not something I take lightly. I am not perfect but I am the perfect mom for them and their special spirits!

I know that my most important work to be done in this life will be within the walls of my own home as the Queen and Mother of my kingdom. 

I know that I have a story to share and that it's necessary to share it, with all it's imperfection, vulnerability and real, raw humanity threaded beautifully throughout. Woven masterfully with all
the vital colors and cords of the tapestry of my life.

Those are the non-negotiable ingredients in the recipe of my life story that can not be swayed by the "next big thing."

Those pieces of knowledge and divine understanding create my inner stance and my true power.

It's amazing the life-lessons that something so small as an egg can teach us...

Come to think of it, eggs have a deep wisdom to offer us, really, as an egg in all of it's glory is where creation of life ultimately begins.

But that's another 'eggcellent' lesson, for another day!  (I lied... there was one more. You're welcome! ;) )

What's your inner stance? 

All my love 'til next time,

💖Jessica

If you enjoyed what you read, be a 'witness of the light' to someone else by sharing this message.

Please comment below with your own insights and "ahas" from this entry. I'd love to hear your perspective!

BJ and I with the photo bombing,
 (unintentional but strategically placed for this photo-op), 
infamous Deviled Eggs at Thanksgiving Dinner 2018. 

Who I Choose To Be

I used to pride myself in being "my-own-self," a happy,  unique, "have things together," grounded and responsible sort of individual.

Thirty-five and a half years growing and a full life behind me, sure plenty of ups and downs on a typical bumpy ride of life... but full, nonetheless.

There was a time not so long ago where I thought I was sure of who I was. I thought I knew what my life was all about. I thought I was so smart and had my life figured out.  Imagine the rude awakening I had as that so-called "pride" was stripped from me over the course of the past several years as I have been compelled to truly discover the me at the core of who I really am. 

Looking inward as a spectator, life looked semi-perfect, as life does when observing from an outside perspective. The reality from the inside out, my life was turned upside down, and continuously turning. In a tide pool that would occasionally allow me to surface only to quickly be swept down to the depths yet again. 

I experienced severe losses, griefs, sadness, loneliness, anxiety and depression. Emotional eating and spending took me to a level of physical, emotional and financial debt I never could have imagined I would ever face. Life was hard. There were many times I felt I was in the 7th level of Hell.
At times I was tempted to wonder if God was still there... Was he still watching over me. Was he aware of how much pain and suffering I was experiencing? 

These wonderings brought to my recollection another who suffered excruciating pain and seemingly endless suffering in the depths of despair that no mortal can comprehend. Whenever I was tempted to ask where God was, I was reminded of my Savior, who himself asked:

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42) 

Jesus Christ suffered all, even death, and for what?? Was it all for nothing? Absolutely not! He chose His mission. He chose His path. He chose to do the will of the Father. He chose to suffer, bleed and die, FOR ME! He did it for all of His brother's and sisters to provide the atonement, a gateway back to our Heavenly home. His sacrifice was the only was to create a way for His resurrection and allow redemption and rebirth for each of God's children.

Did these realizations make my suffering any less painful or real? No, the pain was definitely real, though, understanding the atonement of Jesus Christ more fully did make them bearable.  When we read Luke 22:42 we often stop there, but there is wisdom continuing to the next verse: 

"And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him." (Luke 22:43)

This knowledge gave me strength and understanding. I knew I wasn't alone in my darkness. I knew it wouldn't last forever.  One year, (amid my trials) as a leader and girl's camp, a sweet one girl shared her experience with depression along with an acronym for HOPE that a counselor shared with her... 

   Hold On Pain Ends 

I loved that and clung to the HOPE in Christ that it would all be worth while.

On the other side of that specific refining process and challenging cycle of my life, I am seeing more clearly now how it wasn't "rude" at all, but an essential metamorphosis. A very necessary awakening of shedding the layers that no longer serve me and getting to the core and root of who I am, not just on the surface, but WHO I TRULY AM INSIDE! 

We recently saw Mary Poppins Returns, as continuing a trend with many Disney productions in my case, I felt valuable stirrings in my soul. One of the new whimsical songs sung by Meryl Streep and the main bunch is called "Turning Turtle." It's a silly song will a fantastic message. "Turning Turtle" refers to when a turtle gets stuck on it's back and the world gets flipped upside down. Meryl's character first sees turning turtle as a horrible curse and can't function when it happens, that is, until Mary Poppins and friends show her the gifts that looking at life from a new perspective can bring.

My life was turned upside down, yes, so now I have a new perspective on life that I never would have had otherwise. Now I have the wisdom to see that I am smart when I trust God's grand plan for my life, no matter how challenging it may be, I recognize there is a much greater purpose than what I can see with my physical eyes. Now I know exactly what my life is about and WHO I AM. The beauty of that eye-opening discovery? Not only that I continue to change, progress and grow, but that
I actually get to choose, each and every day, who I want to be!

Who are you CHOOSING to be??

All my love 'til next time,

💖Jessica

If you enjoyed what you read, be a 'witness of the light' to someone else by sharing this message.

Please comment below with your own insights and "ahas" from this entry. I'd love to hear your perspective!