Thirty-five and a half years growing and a full life behind me, sure plenty of ups and downs on a typical bumpy ride of life... but full, nonetheless.
There was a time not so long ago where I thought I was sure of who I was. I thought I knew what my life was all about. I thought I was so smart and had my life figured out. Imagine the rude awakening I had as that so-called "pride" was stripped from me over the course of the past several years as I have been compelled to truly discover the me at the core of who I really am.
Looking inward as a spectator, life looked semi-perfect, as life does when observing from an outside perspective. The reality from the inside out, my life was turned upside down, and continuously turning. In a tide pool that would occasionally allow me to surface only to quickly be swept down to the depths yet again.
I experienced severe losses, griefs, sadness, loneliness, anxiety and depression. Emotional eating and spending took me to a level of physical, emotional and financial debt I never could have imagined I would ever face. Life was hard. There were many times I felt I was in the 7th level of Hell.
At times I was tempted to wonder if God was still there... Was he still watching over me. Was he aware of how much pain and suffering I was experiencing?
At times I was tempted to wonder if God was still there... Was he still watching over me. Was he aware of how much pain and suffering I was experiencing?
These wonderings brought to my recollection another who suffered excruciating pain and seemingly endless suffering in the depths of despair that no mortal can comprehend. Whenever I was tempted to ask where God was, I was reminded of my Savior, who himself asked:
"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42)
Jesus Christ suffered all, even death, and for what?? Was it all for nothing? Absolutely not! He chose His mission. He chose His path. He chose to do the will of the Father. He chose to suffer, bleed and die, FOR ME! He did it for all of His brother's and sisters to provide the atonement, a gateway back to our Heavenly home. His sacrifice was the only was to create a way for His resurrection and allow redemption and rebirth for each of God's children.
Did these realizations make my suffering any less painful or real? No, the pain was definitely real, though, understanding the atonement of Jesus Christ more fully did make them bearable. When we read Luke 22:42 we often stop there, but there is wisdom continuing to the next verse:
"And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him." (Luke 22:43)
This knowledge gave me strength and understanding. I knew I wasn't alone in my darkness. I knew it wouldn't last forever. One year, (amid my trials) as a leader and girl's camp, a sweet one girl shared her experience with depression along with an acronym for HOPE that a counselor shared with her...
I loved that and clung to the HOPE in Christ that it would all be worth while.
Hold On Pain Ends
I loved that and clung to the HOPE in Christ that it would all be worth while.
On the other side of that specific refining process and challenging cycle of my life, I am seeing more clearly now how it wasn't "rude" at all, but an essential metamorphosis. A very necessary awakening of shedding the layers that no longer serve me and getting to the core and root of who I am, not just on the surface, but WHO I TRULY AM INSIDE!
We recently saw Mary Poppins Returns, as continuing a trend with many Disney productions in my case, I felt valuable stirrings in my soul. One of the new whimsical songs sung by Meryl Streep and the main bunch is called "Turning Turtle." It's a silly song will a fantastic message. "Turning Turtle" refers to when a turtle gets stuck on it's back and the world gets flipped upside down. Meryl's character first sees turning turtle as a horrible curse and can't function when it happens, that is, until Mary Poppins and friends show her the gifts that looking at life from a new perspective can bring.
My life was turned upside down, yes, so now I have a new perspective on life that I never would have had otherwise. Now I have the wisdom to see that I am smart when I trust God's grand plan for my life, no matter how challenging it may be, I recognize there is a much greater purpose than what I can see with my physical eyes. Now I know exactly what my life is about and WHO I AM. The beauty of that eye-opening discovery? Not only that I continue to change, progress and grow, but that
I actually get to choose, each and every day, who I want to be!
Who are you CHOOSING to be??
I actually get to choose, each and every day, who I want to be!
Who are you CHOOSING to be??
All my love 'til next time,
💖Jessica
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Please comment below with your own insights and "ahas" from this entry. I'd love to hear your perspective!
